Suren's Weblog

Disclaimer: The post was written over a few months, so the continuity might be at loss and no, This is not about the Will Smith movie.

So I have been thinking. Why this rat race ? What final purpose does it solve ? If the ultimate goal of life is to be happy, why spend your time in front of computers doing somebody’s work, living somebody else’s life, which you are not sure if it matters at any level or to any one? Why live a life which you are not content about, let alone being excited about it ? What is the point of existence when one really can’t define what is fun ? I mean why can’t one be content with what oneself has ? Why the urge for more ? Or If I may, for Who ?

Do you know how a sine curve looks ? One day I live on the positive peak of it. Work is good, food is good, music I listen is good, Things I do are good. Next day, sometimes same day but on a different hour I am drowning in its negative trench. There are also times when nothing matters. Let the lightning drop next to me, I won’t move a muscle. But there are also times when even touch-me-not plant seems less sensitive. Its no f??king consolation that a lot of people feel the same way.

But off late the amplitude of that sine function has gone down. I stay closer to the normalcy line. The curve seem to have dampened with occasional minor impulses either side of the axis. And at times, I think I have got the big picture, That my purpose does not have any great cosmic significance but only to my own pursuit of happiness, which is nothing but a electrochemical state of the mind brought about by varied stimuli.

Too much thinking is bad for health.

Its a Dream which I have in the day. That makes me want to wake up in the middle of the night. That makes everything else unimportant.

Its a Wish which is probably the biggest I have ever asked for. That would make me happy. That one for which I can sacrifice everything.

Its a hope which would save me from the routine I live in. That would make my existence purposeful.

I have been in a similar place before. I have tried hard enough, only to fail. But the failure itself was not bad as I knew I had given everything I could. Heck, it was successful for all you know, for I am here now. I want to feel that satisfaction again. To be able give everything for that one thing irrespective of the result.

Its a Dream, a wish and a hope. And its only the beginning.

I guess one of the very important things that I should learn to do in the coming days is the ability to say no gracefully. You can say that I am a yes man, in fact I was quite proud of it until recently. Being an yes man has been quite a positive thing for me so far, until I continuously ended up hurting my plans by saying yes. And the first time I said a NO, even I felt it kind of being rude and  the other person ended up taking it personal. I think it will take me some time to not to be guilty about it. So just in case I am saying No to you next time, its not anything personal, but its just that I have something else more important to do. I sincerely do hope you would understand.

This post might be a bit narcissistic, but I guess that much narcissism is allowed for anyone.

So far when I was at school/college, my presence was always felt and I could always make a difference to things I did. At least I think so ! I mean I was doing stuff that would be recognized and that always gave me motivation to go do more crazy stuff. But right now in spite of myself doing good and useful work (strictly by my standards however low they might be), I kind of get a feeling too often that does my work worth anywhere at all. Money does not seem to be a good enough motivation. Some times I just resign, telling myself that to be felt important, I just got to do bigger things other than my office work and whatever I do at the office, I can’t really expect more than being paid for that. Other times, I feel guilty of the need to be felt important. Sigh !

PS: On a different note, Congrats to Abhilash, Akhil and venkatesh for finishing second at Amrita ICPC regionls. Most probably will they will be going to World finals. Proud of you guys.

Today I complete two months in Bangalore. (And in another two days, two months at Yahoo! as well – which is in a different story). I am not so sure what to make out of these two months. Its pretty mixed up. I always fancied living in a city but now that I live in a city I kind of feel city life is pretty fast for me. Back at Neyveli or Trichy it used to be at a pretty comfortable pace and I could always find my ground. I know I will get used to this eventually, but the question is what would I be missing.

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of wonderful things in Bangalore. There are a lot of interesting events, opportunities and _people_ around the place. And then my work, colleagues and experiences at office. There is a lots of learning going on technically, emotionally and socially etc. I realize I have changed a lots over the past two months, sort of matured (much to my own and my friends irritation). Think I am no longer the same 8th std kid I was.

Also for the first time, my thought process has widened like anything. I am really confused about almost every choice I make. I really miss the implicit spoon feeding I enjoyed at college and before. There is no predefined path ahead. Figuring out everything by myself, knowing that it could make a significant difference is overwhelming. But I hope in coming days I will find out what I really want out of myself and when that happens I could as well connect the dots looking backwards.

I feel kind of funny and stupid, having written this post now. But in retrospect I have felt that most of the times.

PS: All the best for Bala, Nagu, Gokul, Vishwa , Prabhu, Dado to name a few among my friends who are leaving/left to US for higher studies. Have a nice time guys !

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