Tu Kuja

Have you watched Highway yet? May be you should!

Veera finds that there are no locked doors and if she wants to escape, she is free to. And she does run but slips and falls down. Turns back to see this overwhelming view of Milky way in all its glory. She couldn’t take it anymore and runs back to her captors. “Tu Kuja” plays on the background.

While the rendition and the picturization itself is very beautiful and it kind of brought back beautiful memories from a past star gazing experience, there was something more to it and I had to understand what the song meant. I looked it up. It was poetry where I least expected it. Its a lamentation of a dejected heart thats wants something but can’t have it. Its a cry of a poor soul which knows it has to let go and move on but still can’t do it.

I don’t have a point to make. Its just that I love this song and movie for reasons I can’t fully comprehend.

There is another song which kind of invokes the same emotion in me – Kun Faya Kun.(Incidentally from the same director and same music director)

Gratefulness

“You tried to do a startup, you are travelling, you could get a really good job if you so chose to, things are happening in your life. Only you alone fail to see that you are in a good place”

“Stop acting like an emotional trainwreck and start taking care of yourselves”

“You just don’t know what you want in life. But thats okay. It would be incredibly boring if you lived the rest of your life knowing what the end is going to be”

“Be awesome yourself first before seeking out someone else to be awesome with”

“Sometimes its ok to be selfish about what you want.”

Past few posts have been depressing and whiny. Probably I was that way for the past few months.

I have made many mistakes in the past two years. The root cause of most of it is not being truthful to myself. Some times it was because I lacked courage but mostly it was because I take easy ways out.

Sometimes I forget how grateful I must be for where I am. Even if I have to start from scratch, I am at a much better place than I could hope for right now!

Starting over

I quit Goyaka Labs recently. I have been struggling with myself to keep going at it only to realise I am doing more harm than good to myself and my friends/co-founders.

I lacked purpose for what I was doing. I had stopped producing. The team wasn’t going anywhere and I felt I was part of the reason. I felt like such a let down to all those awesome entrepreneurs and hackers I had met. I went into depression.

There was a limbo period when I couldn’t make a decision as to whether to keep going or quit, for I knew both decisions sucked. My previous post is an example of me trying to fight it out. But I was rightly pointed out, that not making the decision is the worst thing I could do at that moment.

I am super grateful to Alagu and Raj for being understanding and super helpful all along, even after I told them how I felt. If there was any sadness, it is only that it didn’t work out. By the way, they are still at it and I sincerely wish them the best.

I am also thankful to everyone else who has helped me in this journey so far. You are amazing!

I want to do a startup one day. When I find the right thing to do and a right set of people to do it with. But thats just me getting ahead of myself.

Right now, I am starting over from scratch. Here’s to more adventures. Wish me luck!

Bounce back

Alfred Pennyworth:
Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up

This, thisthis and this!

My journey is not easy! There are times I just want to run away, travel around the world and get lost. I am weaker than what most people think of me.

There are people whom I admire, who seem to play the game so easily. May be they are better wired than me or they hide their battle wounds well. Either way they seem to be flying.

I just keep needing a constant reminder that its ok to fail. That every time I fall, I just have to get back up one more time. That its gonna hurt but anything worth getting is gonna hurt. That its failure, when I decide to give up. That giving up without trying my best is worse than giving up.

Deserving

You worked hard to get into a good school. You probably went to one of the best school there is. You put in a lot of effort to stand out there. You slogged hard when you could have just chilled out with your friends and may be had a good time. You stuck to the high standards that you defined to be above everything else, even your peace of mind and health, and at times even above people who cared about you.

Maybe you went to that high paying job that everyone else wished they had. You quit that too because it was getting too easy and pointless. You went after work, glory, purpose, money and what not and you wanted to get there fast. Maybe you even had a great start doing that.

But along the way you realize the place you wanted to go had changed and you are no nearer to it than you were one year ago. What is worse is you are no longer sure if there is even anywhere you want to go.

You hoped that in all that effort that you had put in, you were convinced that you *deserved* to be successful, to be content, to be happy, that you would know what you wanted.

Then at a random moment, it hits you. Something you probably knew but never really understood. That it had to be about the journey and not about the destination. That deserve’s got nothing to do with it.

2012

This was an interesting year.

Started a company along with two of my best friends – Alagu and Raj. Our startup got selected to YCombinator. That is one heck of a ride.

Wrote lots of code.

Went on outings to Mangalore, Half moon bay, San Francisco,  Goa. I lived in the valley for couple of months. I biked the golden gate bridge. I met a lot of new people. Made new friends. I got together with a lot of my friends from college.

Lived in six different houses.I travelled abroad for the first time. I sailed in a ferry boat for the first time. I drove a car at 140Km/H. I started using metropolitan transport for office commute.

Spent all of my past two years savings and for the first time I could remember, went completely broke.

Have a paunch now and to my embarrassment got it pointed out by a lot of people.

Was way out of my comfort zone for most of the year. I was depressed quite a few times.

Wanted to learn guitar. Have successfully postponed that for one more year.

Repeated the same mistakes I thought I wouldn’t do yet again. Figured I might do them again.

Failed, quite a few times. It hurt.

Was an egoistical asshole quite a few times. That hurt too in hindsight.

Learnt that nothing matters, that each day that I wake up to is new and that I have to be graceful about it.

Just doing what I love could be the best thing I could give myself.

I could say I lived a lot this year.

The value of things

Dustin’s post about ‘The Best’ 

My father usually buys the most expensive of stuff. When he could have got any good color television 20 years back, he went for an imported Sony piece. The washing machine had to be an IFB. When there were two similar shirts in looks, he chose the costlier one

He never buys stuff that is cheap. He doesn’t go to place where one has to haggle.

Until I read Dustin’s post, I never completely understood this nature of his. He wasn’t really buying expensive stuff, he was just buying the best ones there are.

It seems so obvious now. That sony television was replaced in full working condition only for a much bigger screen. The washing machine is still working great for more than 10 years and could do another 10 easily. The shirts that he got me still looks good while the ones I bought are erstwhile.

None of the computers I had, lasted more than a year until I got a Macbook Air. I have spent more on multiple mobile phones whose total value could be of more than an  iphone. None of them were even half as good as the iPhone now.

So that makes my choices ahead really easy. Whenever I am buying a thing, I have to buy the best one there is. If I can’t afford it, then its simply no good to own anything less. And I don’t have to own anything that is not as important.

The things we buy should free us. The real value of a thing is how much it could free us. The best things there are the ones that chains us the least!